Entry #99
The party at the Weston’s was absolutely wonderful. But it was the ride home that had made things to be the strangest indeed...
I have to mention that I did not feel a sense of awkwardness when stepping into the same carriage as Mr Elton alone, as I had believed that he was Harriet’s lover. As a young woman, I am conscious of the customs of the society regarding two individuals of the separate gender in an enclosed area were regarded as inappropriate. But, as I had mentioned before, Mr Elton and Harriet are by situation called together. I knew that I was just to match them together, and I had intended to speak to Mr Elton more about Harriet.
At the same time, I would not fail to believe that Mr Elton had been drinking too much of Mr Weston’s good wine, and his actions demonstrated that surely that he would want to be talking nonsense. Evidently enough, he was declaring sentiments, unequalled love and unexampled passion that were indescribable to me as if he was professing to Harriet. But one thing that shocked me the most was that Mr Elton’s professions of love were none to Harriet, but to me!
For a moment, I was at loss for words. This should not have happened! Did Mr Elton not realize that none of these were for my own, but for Harriet only? He, then expressed his adoration for me, dismissing the idea of marrying Harriet Smith with such speed, whom he feels that she is too common for him. Surely I had not offered any intentional encouragement to his sentiments...
Mr Elton is to be Harriet’s lover, not mine! Words could not explain the enormous regret that is deep within my soul at this moment. If I had not persuaded Harriet into liking this man, I could have not borne any of these. Such a development of everything most unwelcome! Such a blow for Harriet! I could not help but realize that it was my cause and my unyielding stubbornness for finding a suitable companion for Harriet that had led her into an open furnace of destroying her confidence and hope, and ultimately her feelings.
The picture! Had Mr Elton been nothing but only too happy about the picture of Harriet before? What about the charade? Did he not address Harriet as a “lovely woman... reigns alone”? The “soft eye”? I am incapable to believe that these signs did not point to his favour for Harriet through such thick-headed nonsense; I do not think that anyone could have foretold this circumstance at all.
As I started to ponder on this incident, I became conscious of Mr Knightley’s words previously of Mr Elton, “Elton is a very respectable vicar of Highbury... he knows the value of a good income as well as anybody. He knows that he is a very handsome young man and a great favourite wherever he goes...” It is true that Mr Elton would not marry discreetly. How dare he look down upon my friend! Harriet was the natural daughter of somebody; she is just an innocent young woman who wanted a little more knowledge and elegance to be quite perfect. In my opinion, she only falls short so slightly of his elegancies of mind.
Alternatively, Mr Elton had possibly proposed to me to be closely acquainted with the wealth of the Woodhouse family. He must have identified with the history of the Woodhouse family in Hartfield a while ago before attempting to execute this absurd, self-seeking plan of his. What a self-centred, aggrandizing person! All that talk of encouragement, he had not considered anything else, but the ‘opulence’ that he would be able to obtain by marrying me. Mr Elton had not really loved me; he had only fallen in love with the wealth of the Woodhouse family!
The unfortunate Harriet has to juggle the enormity of the blow. I am to be blamed for the atrocity of the situation. This would have not taken place if I had not intervened Harriet’s affairs, taking her claims to marry well, and caused her to have a fondness of a supposedly handsome character with agreeable manners, Mr Elton. It was foolish to take part, and adventure along the lines of another’s path to seeking a companion. This would be the last of me partaking in events such as these; I would do such things no more.
Mr Knightley’s monologue:
It is quite evident that Emma has a developed a liking for Frank Churchill. As much I do not want her to have fondness for another person other than myself, I realize the need of human nature to love another. My soul is not enlightened at the means of Frank Churchill treating Emma. The interaction that they have constructed seems to be lacking honesty; Emma seems to think that she is in love with Frank Churchill, and he seems to be a little trivial of her feelings, and perhaps towards Jane Fairfax. Maybe I just feel paranoid with the whole situation. There is such possibility of me being prejudiced towards Frank Churchill, like Emma had accused me of earlier. Even if I am prejudiced, I am prejudiced for a significant reason. My existence continues to provide Emma with the utmost protection that I can ever give her. I suspect that there is some secret understanding between Frank Churchill and Jane Fairfax. Everyone had assumed Emma to be Frank’s object of affection, it is my duty to warn her and prevent any potential harm.
My dear Emma, why do you not see the intentions behind all my actions? I am in love with you, Emma, and jealous of Frank Churchill’s acquaintance with you. But there is nothing that I am capable of doing from hindering you from pursuing your happiness. If Frank Churchill makes your happy, I have got no choice but to let it be.
Entry #100
How long had Mr Knightley been so dear to me, as every feeling declared him now to be? How could I have been so oblivious to his actions and words? What else would have explained his apparent protectiveness of me towards Frank Churchill? He sincerely wanted to protect me from potential harm, as he had always done all these years. Or, is there a possibility of Mr Knightley protecting me because... Oh, dare I say that he might have a form of liking towards me?
Looking back, Mr Knightley had not been an ordinary acquaintance of a brother; he had been much more than that. He had attempted to shelter me from all sorts of physical and emotional harm, reprimanded me for my wrongdoings, and simply being the defender that I had always taken granted for. What more could I ever ask? I have everything. He has established everything for me, he is everything!
I am unable to think of a time where I regarded Mr Knightley as a superior, especially when he had not regarded me in the dearest manner. I am certain that Mr Knightley had informed me of the suspicion of an attachment between Frank Churchill and Jane Fairfax had been out of sheer concern and love, and perhaps a tinge of jealousy on his part. Why did I not have faith in his judgments in the first place? He had been right numerous times before. The accuracy of his judgments was proven when he defended the excellent young Robert Martin, and telling me that I am no friend of Harriet Smith. He had reviewed my obstinate actions with exact precision, and did not cease to hide his gentle rebuke for my very own good. Again, he did not make a false opinion of Mr Elton and the cruelty of my discourteous words towards Miss Bates. Throughout the year, Mr Knightley had been the sort of guardian that had been assigned to watch over me. I wonder how it did not occur to me everything that he had done in my life. It is absolutely absurd of me thinking that I had affections for Frank Churchill when none of that had ever existed in the first place!
A sudden thought had just entered my mind... Harriet- what have I done again? Ever since I had encountered this not inconveniently shy girl, I am afraid that I have done her nothing but great disservice by making her think that she can aspire to such reasonable heights. It was I who encouraged her in her pursuit for love on the equal social standing, not knowing that it was Mr Knightley that she had intended! No, Mr Knightley must marry no one but... me!
No... What, what am I saying? Am I not Harriet’s friend? I should not take part of this unthinkable spiteful thinking! How could Harriet love Mr Knightley, it is not possible! I am unable to comprehend what I am feeling at the moment. Have I not hurt Harriet enough? How inconsiderate, how indelicate, how irrational, how unfeeling, had been my conduct! Why it is that it is so much worse that Harriet forms an attachment with Mr Knightley than with Frank Churchill? Have I not been guiding Harriet to search for a romantic companion of her equivalent all these while? The unsuccessful consequence of Harriet intending to form an attachment with Mr Elton was no other fault but my own. The outcome of trying to match Harriet and Frank Churchill turned into a complete disaster. Had I not learnt my lesson, not to meddle with affairs other than my own after all these?
This must not happen! I could not possibly bear watch Harriet Smith exclusively, passionately loved by Mr Knightley. I could not! Oh, if only I had minded my own affairs... If only I had befriended Jane Fairfax from the beginning and made less acquaintance with Harriet, I would have saved my soul from so much pain and heartache. The foolishness of my actions in convincing Harriet that Robert Martin is not her equal... It does not matter now if he is just a famer, and confined to the society of the illiterate and vulgar, the important thing is that he is an amiable and good-natured young man.
My actions had caused numerous grievance to poor Harriet, myself, and possibly Mr Knightley himself by exposing him to a match that is undignified (the notion of Mr Knightley attracted to Jane Fairfax). Who but me had taught Harriet, that she was to elevate herself if possible, and that her claims were great to a high worldly establishment? If Harriet, from being a humble and modest, were grown vain, it was my doing too.
What am I going to do now?
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