Home is where YOUR heart is :)

How can home be defined?

Home is where your heart is.

Here’s a quick question: what if your heart is in two different places, what happens then?

I flew back to Malaysia recently to visit family and friends after living in Melbourne for three years. At first, I was taken aback by all the changes in structures, relationships, etc that happened in the past few years. But then, it was back to embracing familiar faces; people that I held so dearly despite the geographical distance.

I had such a fun time for twelve days, and before I knew it, it was time to leave. It was time to say goodbye – again. It hurt, it really did. There I was on the plane, eating my meal with tears rolling down my cheeks as reality hit me. My holiday was just a holiday. It was never meant to take place of the life I was meant to live.

So, I guess Melbourne is home. I’ve got my immediate family, close friends, church and everything that grew close to my heart after three years. It’s been three days and I’m still trying to embrace the fact that I’m in a different country from where I was a few days ago.

Going to Malaysia was revisiting my past. Things seemed a lot easier, but comfortable zones never help you grow as a person. Since you’re nicely curled up comfortably, you just end up being fat and lazy. There are challenges for me here in Melbourne. As prickly as things may seem to be at times (a lot?), I know that it is for my own good. And indirectly helping others around me as well. Revisiting Malaysia was meant to equip me with confidence and a strong sense of security before stepping into the whirlwind of changes in Melbourne again.

I just need to know where my heart is, and I should be able to do this. J

Wishes & Wands

Fairy godmothers, wands, pixies. One wave of the wand and it’s all done.

If only life was like that…

A good friend of mine and I were having a conversation and he mentioned, “Time spent wishing is time wasted”. Does that ring a bell? I guess sitting by the wishing well doesn’t earn you a career, take you into beautiful relationships or form your character.

Why, then do we prefer sitting by the well and wait for pixie dust to rain down?

Ever felt like you’ve wished for so much and miss out on the blessings around you? I have.

For the past year, I continually wished that I was older than I really am. I wanted to be in my mid-twenties; I wanted to have worn that graduation gown and embark on my professional career. On the train, I observed young women in their office suits and thought about how much I wanted to be one of them. Suddenly, I was reminded of reality when the weight of my university books shifted in my bag. I wasn’t going to start a career; I was only a first-year university student!

Most of my friends are a few years older than I am. I didn’t think that would matter too much but it did. I wanted to have what they had. I wanted to be independent from my family and live on my own. By doing that, I ended up abandoning my family when I needed to serve my time as part of the family.

That’s a big mistake that I would not want to repeat this time round. As we strive towards the future, we progress. We don’t sit by the wishing well, hoping those coins will turn into magical ones.

I believe that there will be a time where I will achieve my goals. Until then, I need to train myself to let go, relax, live life as it unfolds and trust the Author of my life.

It’s time to stretch those muscles, and go for a little walk around the park and have a look at God’s goodness.

We humans keep brainstorming options and plans,
but God's purpose prevails. – Proverbs 19:21 (The Message)

Life As You See It

Life is all about perspectives. Actually, it’s all about choices. If you view yourself as a fool, you will probably end up believing that all your actions are foolish.

So, how are we to view life?

Life as God sees it.

Easy. Done. That’s it.

Right?

If only that would take place in our lives... I know that it’s not always necessary the way I view my life very often. Even when my heart tells me that I’m a child of the Author of the universe, my head tells me that I’m unworthy. Technically, I am unworthy. But God has granted me all these accesses despite being unworthy. My youth pastor, Liam mentioned, “We go from sinner to saint”.

So, if I’m a saint, why am I still burdened with thoughts of sin and sin itself?

Funny how that this process is a life-long one. It doesn’t get completed overnight.

This year, I want to take hold of that promise. I want to progress in this journey. Even if it means to truly let go of what you have, to place it in the Potter’s hand. To acknowledge that your life is not yours to control.

It scares me just thinking of it.

Do I really want to let go of who I think I am? Is it not bad enough that I struggle so much internally despite appearing that I’ve got pieces of my life together?

It’s all about surrendering your accessories before embracing future diamonds.

Hello 2011, it's nice to meet you

Is it really the start of 2011? What ever happened to 2010? It just seems a little too quick for 2010 to end – just like that.

Like everyone else, I attempted to come up with a New Year’s resolution list. Losing a couple of kilos would be nice, but I don’t think that resolution will actually come to past haha.

What am I expecting 2011 to be? I don’t know. 2010 rushed past with all the different experiences, choicese and acquaintances. I think it’s time to put away my insecurities and step forth in faith. Questioning my abilities and strengths won’t get me far. I think I had enough of that in 2010.

Do I really want to be someone that I wish that I could be, instead of being just me? I rant about these all the time. I wish I was funnier, I wish I was a better musician, I wish I could be a sporty girl instead of avoiding every single type of sport, I wish I was a better youth leader, I wish I was smarter, etc.

Am I being too hard on myself? I try not to let insecurities grab a foothold, but sometimes these little things slip through. Just as strong as I guard my heart, I strive for personal perfection which turns into my biggest weakness.

Do I regret some of my actions in 2010? Perhaps, but not entirely. I can’t imagine things turning out differently than what it did. I want 2011 to be different. I want it to challenge me as a person. Other than that, I would like it to stretch me beyond my comfort zone. However, I’d better watch what I wish for. The last time I asked for that, I ended up whining and wanting things to turn back to the way they were.

I could wish all I want, but these wishes and dreams will just remain as they are. Wishing without action isn’t going to get me very far at all.

So, I’d say, let’s see what 2011 will bring forth.

p.s To all my acquaintances in 2010, thank you for extending your friendship to me. Things wouldn’ve been what they were without you. I look forward to having many more experiences with you in the next 363 daysJ

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

It saddens me that so many people act out of selfish ambitions. Yes, selfishness is part of human nature. Does that reason alone consent self-centredness to overrule humanity?

My parents and I had discussion about how banks are outsourcing their call centres to developing countries. Instantly, I stiffened up and expressed my thoughts on using our national resources to keep the economy going. It may be good for the short-term, but disastrous for the next generation. As CEOs of the banks, they earn approximately AU $16 million annually. Outsourcing their call centres will only maintain, or else increase their generated wealth.

Good for them... But what will happen to the rest of us? What about the people who are sole-earners of their families? What about those whose children are yearning for a proper education so that Generation Y will not suffer like previous generation? What about those working 10 hours a day just to get by, so that the top periphery of the social hierarchy may enjoy another red hot Porsche in a garage larger than the entire house of a middle-class citizen?

It’s easy for me to criticize others, but I’m no better. We’re no better. Why do I get excited at the thought of getting a new pair of shoes that are made in China? Why do I look longingly at a $4000 keyboard when more people are living off the streets of Melbourne? The hype of getting the next iPhone (4b or 5) seems so... selfish.

That’s the core of it. Humanity is fallible, we’re all fallible. As much as we try to rectify our past and the wrongdoings around us, we fail. It disturbs me that we are all so selfish in one way or another. It scares me to ponder whether if there is still any good in humankind.

Now I know why people lose hope in humanity. Or even the existence of God. If God is a good God, why would He allow the devil to rob us of our lives and morality? Or ‘since there is no divine authority to make ends meet, I’ll just take fate in my own hands and change the world my way’...

Don’t get me wrong. I believe that there is a God and only one way to the Truth and the Life. I believe that God didn’t bring chaos on His children, He allowed it. It’s our choice to whether we want to embrace chaos because it is the easier way.

So, all these misconducts and its effects were our fault? It sure is. Is God real? Yes. Is He a loving God? Yes. Is He Almighty? Yes.

I’ll leave you to ponder with Hillsong’s ‘Forever Reign’. Let’s see how each one of you would interpret it...

You are good,

You are good when there’s nothing good in me.

Revival

At small group, we’ve been focusing on Revival for the past few weeks. I don’t attend that church, but it’s interesting to hear the snapshots of sermons and the study notes.

I caught up with two good friends of mine after uni yesterday. And he mentioned the Azusa revival. I had no idea what it was and had to conduct a small independent research on it.

It started in a meeting of a small home on April 14, 1906. It represented a huge change; inter-cultural mixing, dramatic worship services and the speaking of tongues. (Taken from Wikipedia) Back then, the notion of racial superiority was dominant. This revival was hugely contested and represented doctrines of heresies. That’s where Pentecostalism started.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Azusa_Street_Revival

What caught my attention was that revival didn’t start from the wealthy. The wealthy had everything they needed; they lived a life of luxury. Revival started from the ghettos, the desperate, and the bottom of the social order. This passion birthed from desperate cries of people experiencing injustice. They had nothing and no one else to turn to. They needed a change. It was either this or to suffer and die on the cold, hard floor.

“Jesus was bigger than the synagogues. He had to preach outside of the synagogues.” So was this revival. How come are we Christians operating within the four walls of the church? Why are we contented with being in the safe zone where everybody else believes the same thing that we do? I’m not saying to abandon the church and leave the pastors to run it. The church is not a building, but the church is made up of the people in it. What happened to going out to the ends of the world, showing God’s love? I’m not saying that we are to turn into extremists and yell out prophecies of the last days on the streets. But what I’m posing is a personal challenge. Jesus was bigger than the synagogues. It wasn’t the wealthy ones that needed help, it was the ones at the bottom of the social class that were frantic for a sense of hope.

We’ve got the hope. No use staying within the confinements of the church when we’ve got so much to offer. The world is a dark one; they need to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We don’t just hold the candle, but we are the light because the presence of God radiating from our very beings.

I'm praying for that spirit of desperation. But knowing in mind that this is a dangerous thing to pray for. Nothing in the world seems good enough until experience that personal revival. That's how I am at the moment. Discontented of everything around me, frustrated at many points of the day because I don't know what I'm searching for. Frustration leading to impatience and irritation. I apologize for being inhospitable to anyone for the past few weeks, lol.

Situations and choices.

Recently, I’ve been disheartened by a couple of relationships in my life. It’s not that they are dysfunctional or anything of that sort. Let’s just say that I don’t adjust to changes very well. As many of you would know, friendships/relationships play a big role in my life. I love connecting and being around friends. Unfortunately, I struggle with holding them too close to my heart. When changes arrive, it’s hard for me to let go.

I found myself being overpowered by emotions and wanting to run away from my situation because that seems to be the easiest thing to do. In a way, I have been just running away. I started attending different activities, doing everything to occupy my mind from this. I started attending a new small group, catching up with new acquaintances, and meeting people at uni. No doubt that doing these things are great, I sincerely love doing what I do now.

But I think I need to stand up to this... I need to put my foot down and declare “God is in control. God has a great plan for my life. This is happening for a reason; to grow stronger as an individual.”

Strangely enough, it’s when you’re struggling, you depend on God the most – Christian or not. That’s when you realise that you have no control over the situation, and you need an intervention from the Big Guy up there. As much as I don’t like this, I’ve learnt to surrender everything to God.

The life that I enjoyed just a few months back is meant to be left as a distant memory; it was there for a period of time. It was highly enjoyable, but I’m meant to move on. Moving on requires sacrifice, and being pushed out of your comfortable cocoon. Stepping out in faith is uncomfortable, but I believe that this step is needed to enjoy the goodness of life.

Right now, I’m in an uncomfortable position. I don’t know whether I’m meant to turn left or right, or even straight ahead. But I know once that this conquered, the blessing would taste even sweeter than before. And I’m aware that this is only the start of things.

Easier said than done, but I’m still going to try.

Chocolate...

I just realized that I’ve been struggling with food.

For years I’ve always loved chocolate. Chocolate bars, chocolate biscuits, chocolate muffins… Anything chocolate and I’m there.

But for the past few weeks, my chocolate-eating habits escalated. I could eat chocolate anywhere and anytime of the day, or night. A couple of nights ago, I came home from a drive because I didn’t think I would be in a right frame of mind. I was upset, and the first place I headed was the fridge. My fingers rummaged those packets of biscuits till I found what I was looking for… chocolate.

I didn’t know how chocolate would calm me down. But I shoved bars in my mouth, hoping that the hurt would go away. With each bite, I hoped for a possibility of making myself happy and calm again. It seemed like chocolate was the solution. It made me feel better for a couple of minutes, and then I realized that I wasn’t doing my body any good. I had just consumed more calories, and being the non-athlete that I am, the calories would just turn into body fat.

That thought didn’t stop me the day after. Every time an unpleasant thought entered my mind, the first instinct was to search for chocolate. At work this afternoon, my mind wandered to situations and I craved for chocolate. Yes, craved. I wanted it. I needed chocolate. In a minute, I dashed to the back and bit a chocolate biscuit to sooth my chocolate-appetite.

As a friend and I were joking around about my chocolate habits, I realized that chocolate is gaining power on my being. I struggle going through the day without the thought of indulging the “naughty but nice” food. This is slightly concerning me.

I know I eat when I feel troubled, but this is not healthy. I feel gross, and wished I could turn back time to stop myself from giving into temptation. At the same time, I find myself wrapping my fingers around another chocolate bar.

The thought of me relying on chocolate is starting to scare me a little.

Relocation

Okay, maybe I have geographically relocated. Not easy, but am grateful how God revealed talents that I never knew I had, friendships and relationships that I never thought I would achieve, and a working environment that I do enjoy.

Tonight, at the leadership summit at church, I was challenged by this : relocation of thinking.

Relocating is never easy, relocating does not produce instantenous results either.

I think God is taking me through a process of relocation. Not geographically, but in the relationships around me. After having seasonal friendships, I find it hard to 'loosen' my grip around the closer ones around me now. But God is placing in my heart to let go and grip my relationship with Him instead. Because He is constant and everlasting.

I'm afraid to let go because I'm afraid of 'losing' friendships. I don't like getting close to someone and letting go just when I feel at ease. Well, so much for taking hold of the notion of selflessness then? Lol

As the day passes, I pray that God would give me the strength not to be envious, but to celebrate happiness of others. That whatever makes them happy would make me happy. It's not easy, but I know that it is the right thing to do. It hurts, but I don't want relationship to be a competition. Personally, I am struggling to allow "breathing space" because when I find a person that I'm close with, I usually "snatch" him/her up so that I feel secure. I need help to be understanding and foster friendships carefully instead of claiming "territory" in this area.

Maybe if I let go, maybe I would be blessed with new acquaintances. Maybe if I let go, I would encounter more experiences.

One of my close friends quoted "Friendship goes up and down, and close and apart".

Perhaps I need a relocation of attitude and mindset.

Maybe...

Enjoying life with a tinge of self-centredness?

I wonder if I would want to stay in the same phase of life till the day I breathe my last breath. I mean, if I’m truly happy, why would I want to move on to an unfamiliar place? Sure, there’s a 50% chance of me being happier. But there is the other 50% chance of facing struggles and disappointments.

This morning, I was greeted with Kim Walker’s spontaneous line, “You are my God.” That made me realise something. God is MY God. He’s mine. I belong to Him and no one else. Life is about taking steps forward; it is about moving in that direction when you feel Him lead you. It is not about glancing behind your shoulder when you’re physically moving forward.

This year has been a slight change for me. It is not just about being a first-year university student. It is about the different paths that I chose. With those paths came blessings and struggles.

I love my group of friends now. I feel comfortable around them because we all possess the same beliefs. I find it easier to be the individual that I am, and not having to worry whether my values would be contested by the people around me. As each day passes, I find myself not worrying about actions of other people and how it could lead them astray.

Then, it hit me this morning. What happened to those friends that I used to pray for? I am enjoying myself so much that I forget that as the different “church girl” in my past peers, I still have to care for them. A couple of days ago, I caught up with two of my closer friends in the past, and to my dismay, they don’t know why they exist anymore. They are so lost and confused, seeking avenues to escape from their troubled lives. They resort to the things against they once thought they believed in. They know that certain things would not give them permanent solutions, but if those things offer them temporary relief, they suppose that temporary is better than nothing at all.

It breaks my heart to watch them make difficult choices that would only worsen their conditions. I could only reprimand when I can, but I have no right to tell them what to do.

Instead of focusing of having fun for my own benefit, I think it is time for me to take up that role again. Being Christ-like demands selflessness, there is no escaping to that. When I move forward in life, I want to take people with me. I want them to feel as blessed as I am.

So, selflessness it shall be.

Thought for the day

Imagine if you were an ambassador.

You, an ordinary person, representing groups of people.

You work in an organization that would impact nations.

You know that God would lead your every step.

What would you do?

Easter 2010

Easter had brought a different meaning to me this year. It wasn't just the normal "Jesus died for my sins". There was a real sense of reality, that I was part of that plan from the beginning.

Watching Prince of Egypt also enhanced that feeling. This Easter has been a time of reflection of my life and the blessings that had poured in my life.

Sure, I'm still going through tough times, but I'm reminded that hope is coming and..

There can be miracles when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe

God had protected the Hebrews from time to time. The different imageries that were portrayed in the movie reminded me how I've been protected by God and all the blessings that He had poured on my life without me knowing.

Something that you've seen so often doesn't mean much, until you find yourself caught in that swirls of similar circumstances. Unconsciously, something would trigger a memory of whose you really are. The sense of individuality that you've been gifted in, whether you're a believer or not. You don't have to be a Christian to realise that the name of Jesus had been talked about worldwide.

Today, a simple gesture of one of my best friends had been a significant symbol. We were at one of my friend's place after church. He extended his hand to help/pull me up from the chair. (I was a little lazy, hehe) That's what God had been doing. He had extended His hand to help, and supply that divine strength that I needed to go through challenges in life. The One that I needed to cry on, the One who hears the cries of my heart, the struggles, the joy, the thoughts that run through my head.

The gift of Grace had been offered to us. Wrapped up in a present, with your name on it. It's your choice to accept it, open it up and receive it with thanksgiving. Or reject it because of personal reasons.

It's a choice.

Paths

Emotions swarming through my brain.
Attacking every area of my life.
Overturning my once peaceful thoughts.

Hope or give in?

To hope is to hang on, and how do I do that?

To love or to reject?

To accept or to fight for that promise?

To look in front or look forward?

Live, life and love.

Breathe in the breath of life.

The path of contentment is so much easier to embark on.

Why?

I can't say I hate my life because despite what circumstances are, one of my best friends quoted that "know there is soo much good in your future". I'm waiting for it to turn good.

Waiting and fighting because this seems to be harder than I am capable of.

It's a new dawn, it's a new life.. for me. And I'm feeling good :)

A new year marks a new beginning.

Apart from the fact that I've finally left the "schooling" world and entering the exciting realm of university, I am excited for this year. Not just because things are finally falling into place, but just because a new year brings hope to me. Hope that I would be able to achieve personal goals, hope that I will meet new acquaintances and learn the meaning of life-long friendships.

To me, entering university brings a streak of excitement. The idea of starting fresh without being bound by the different cliches that restricted individuals from advancing and achieving towards their full potential. You don't have to be branded with the title "Mr Nerd" or "Miss Different". Instead, you can unleash the hidden talents that you never knew you had.

A new start in university, more involved in church, a new job, a new license (fingers crossed!) and who knows what else?

Time to leave the past behind and move forward; something that I struggled with so much when I first moved, but I realised now that it's a necessary element in life. Without leaving the past behind, we are chained and unable to 'cover more ground' in life. :)

I wish I knew how this year is going to be for me, but if I did, there would be no fun anymore, would it? :)

My biggest enemy.

I'm assuming that I've been hit by another wave of insecurity.

It's stupid, really. Sometimes, I can be confident with what I do and who I am. Other times, I look at others and go, "So... I actually have talent in this area. Rightttt.."

So I'm on a quest of unleashing the string of talents in me. Well, I'm hoping that I have more than one talent, lol. Honestly, I feel a little afraid of what I would find. I'm afraid that I would find myself being not the person who I wanted to be. I don't think that this would affect the people around me. Well, mainly, I'm afraid of disappointing...

Myself.

You can say that I'm my biggest enemy. So many times I criticize and beat myself up over an area that I could have been slightly lenient on. I could be a little paranoid.

I'm not sure whether I let expectations of others get the better of me, and I mould my expectations to suit the ones of the world. I can say that I expect myself to do this, but when I look deep down, who/what had caused me to set such standards of myself?

Right now, I wish I was a better person. I wish that I'm a great thinker with apparent leadership skills. I wish I could play the keys so much better, I'm tired of watching talents of the others from afar, knowing that I'm not as good as they are. I wish I was smarter. I wish I could write much better than what I am capable of now.

Oh, Pris. Shut up, cut the whining and insert some action to improve yourself as a person.