The almost twins that we all know just too well

Priorities. Life.

They seem to go hand-in-hand very well. They almost seem inseparable.

It’s funny how life seems to be at its peak, and dives down to its lowest end within just a short period of time. Now that the lowest end has been conquered and I’m starting to rise up beyond of what I expected. Back in Malaysia, life was not a breeze, but everything was in place. Everything jumbled up when we moved. Now, it’s been almost a year and a half, I’m proudly exclaiming that as a family, we have risen from our squats, and slowly climbing upwards the staircase of life. All credit goes to God; He pulled us through our toughest times. There were tears and anger, but look where we are now. We’ve planted ourselves in a church, serving His House in different areas; we seem to be less dependent on those who initially helped us when we moved.

Last year, my priorities were, study, work, get friends, find a church. Nothing was really accelerating except for my studies, finding out that I wasn’t as dumb as I thought. *smile*

This year, my priorities are so different. Yes, study, but to the maximum. I’ve never felt like a studious person in my life, can you beat that? A church, I’ve got myself in that and it’s going to take me a lot to get me out of it! Work is put aside till I finish Year 12. Friends, man, I love the ones that I got now! But there never seem to be enough time to build a strong relationship with all of them with the time constraint. There are different groups in church, different people in school that I love, and not to mention my Saturday school girls. That has taken up so much of my time till I’m at the point where I am not in contact with any fellow Youth Church leaders here anymore.

Instead of prioritizing to embark on the journey of looking for friends, I’m on the journey of achieving the true meaning of balance and organizing what should be the top of my list in life. There are so many times that I had to turn down things due to priorities. Well, such is life, isn’t it? You don’t always get what you want and somehow or another you would always end up making unfavourable decisions.

Now, I just don’t want to make decisions that I would regret later on. As much as I love having fellowship with different groups of friends, I do not want to place my studies in jeopardy. I know I have to push myself harder since this is the last lap of my year in high school. I know that if I get distracted now, and study less, I would suffer when the results come out. I would be haunted with guilt of knowing that I would’ve done better if I had prioritized. Things do not seem to be as easy as they seem anymore. I seem to have so many things creeping up in place and I find myself doing everything else but studying. It’s really starting to bug me. L

Nothing seems to take place when I try to do things with my mortal capacity. I keep telling myself, “Study or you’ll regret it later.” That threat had never affected anyone, has it? It is barely a threat, it is a voice seems easily brushed off my shoulder.

I guess, tomorrow is the start of change. Or maybe even tonight…

普里西拉 (Priscilla in Chinese! - through Google Translator, lol)

Two 18th parties over 2 weekends

1 August - Ezra's&Ena's 18th
Theme : Wild Wild West (Yeah, I wasn't really into the theme though.. Stole someone's cowboy hat off someone at the party later. No idea whose it was.. Lol)

Probably singing to Linkin Park's "Numb", lol

Tried curling my hair, but it looked more straight than curly. Sigh... What a failure, lol.

25th July - Breanne's 18th (My Legal Studies buddy!)

Theme: Las Vegas (Oh yeah..)

Had to wear stockings that night. It was 9 degrees..

He's practically drunk, lol

Stina and I at my place, with her red jacket!

That was only a quarter of people that day. There were like 100+ people at her place! Can you spot me with the flower? :)

Adrian was gone when I came, lol. Celine, the international kid from Belgium as a casino dealer.

Brookie Cookie as a bride, Pris at the casino, Stina the Stina! :D

Puyol my favourite Mexican when he's actually Spanish. He gets so irritated when he's called a Mexican.. hahaha

Katt my favourite bunny rabbit, she even had a tail, HAHA! My English buddy, love Katt :)

With Breanne. She looked stunning that night! Not forgetting to mention that she's hot! Forgot that I was wearing Yui's jacket. He gave me his jacket cause I was shivering, how nice :)

Alright, it's 12.09 AM now. Time for bed. School tomorrow. I guess I"ll have to properly update next time, which would be who knows when..

That's what I've been up to..

In the train

Bird's eye view.

Group shot at Christina's 18th

The birthday girl turned 17. Isn't she gorgeous?

My updates for now.

Is God real?

Today, I decided to do something really random... My Google homepage came up and I thought to myself, why not look at a non-Christian’s point of view of God? It was out of mere curiosity; after all, we are in the world, aren’t we? I typed, “Is God real?” I found some interesting articles that got me thinking, why I believe what I believe now.

Is God real? Or is God a fabrication of the minds of inadequate men who cannot cope with a world beyond which there is nothing but void. It is easy to talk of the good works done by Christian Churches over the past century or two, but is the church today anything more than a conscience-salving social club, even for the mainstream churches, away from the rabid evangelicals?

I have to say, I found myself agreeing with the last part of this person’s statement. Has church turned into a social club? Surely it is not wrong to love one another and build relationships, but things are wrong when God is not the centre of it. After all, we are called to be “disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit”. Something should be tweaking in our brains when we treat church as just ‘another day; another day to communicate with people’.

It is the church that needs to stop being ‘priests of the community’, it is the church that needs to step out and BE the community. We aren’t any different than anybody else, except that we carry the light of God in the midst of the sheer darkness. No wonder many condemn the church, or even classify God-lovers to be “hallelujah, holier than thou art”. The church should not have a hierarchy at all! Yes, it needs organisation, but let it be an organisation out of love and compassion.

Since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another – 1 John 4:11

I know that I am loved by friends around me, but I can’t say that this love is anything beyond skin deep. I want a love that pierces through the layers of sin, insecurity and hesitation. That is where the church plays a role in directing a person to God’s love who “laid down His life for us”.
It is time for the church to be the ambassadors of God’s love once again. It’s time to change the perception of ‘church’ and it’s time to do things His way, the passion of the people of the church has to be infectious.

It’s a non-believer that is able to proclaim...

- Is God real? No, not to most churches.
-Is God real? My research over the past 22.8 years shows scientifically that the answer to that question is Yes. The signs abound. Time and again, God tries to speak to man. Man doesn’t listen.

It takes a non-believer who is immensely interested in the spiritual world to proclaim that God is real and that man doesn’t listen. What more about us who declare that we are Christians, yet, we don’t walk the talk? Is it not embarrassing enough? It’s like saying that a girl from China writes and speaks better English than an ordinary Englishman. This is a person who isn’t a follower of Jesus Christ, but he is more inquisitive than a mere Christian.

So, let me poise this question again.

Is God real?

United we stand

I've begun to realise the necessity of prayer before a service.

Such a simple thing could never possibly be forgotten, can it? But, us just being the state of flesh and bone, it isn't too hard to forget the importance of prayer..

I should've known better. Being a youth leader once and in a worship team now, I should realise that prayer holds the key to a successful service. After all, this is for His glory and to lift His name high, isn't it?

If a band came together, and no one knew each other being from different churches, it's not impossible to pull off a successful worship - IF we depended on God. That was our biggest mistake. We're all not unskilled musicians, just because we were lacking a drummer, I believe that we could have pulled it off much better. We were all upset and frustrated because things just didn't turn out right; complications and misunderstandings happened too often for our liking.

It wasn't that we weren't trying, we all tried to blend and complement each other, but things just turned out to be a mess. We all left the stage feeling as though we didn't carry out our duties to lead the congregation into worship. It didn't hit us until we left the stage that we depended on our abilities instead of leaning on Him. I went on stage to play in the background when the pastor was praying, as I played, I prayed, "God, please help us. God, please help us."

As the rest of the musicians joined in, we all prayed individually while playing our instruments. We were finally united as one, as our prayers rose up above to bless His name. That was when a change took place.

People made the first step in their journey with Christ. Hallelujah.

With everything, with everything, we will shout for Your glory
With everything, with everything, we will shout for Your name - Hillsong

I'm not emo

“I’m not stupid!”

She does not realise the intensity of the words. She refuses to compromise or accept the fact that she is stupid. She is not brilliantly intelligent, but she is far from stupid. She had never allowed the world to classify her as lower-class, never did. She had made sure of that. Anytime she realises that she falls below the standards of the people around her, she will put in all her might to change that fact. But hearing this from her loved one was beyond what she could take. She was not a young girl that he could boss around any longer; she was not the naive youngster that she was 10 years ago. She has grown up to have her maturity level on her own. He never realised how much that she had grown; he still tries to convince her to do things his way. He can never seem to see things her way; he was just an authoritative being.

“I am fed up of your attitude!”

If only he understood the weight of his words, she thought, he would never have uttered those most important seven words that had changed her perception of him. She had became conscious of the raging thoughts in her head, the more she dwelled on it, the more she was more determined to make up her own stand. The rampant notions that are passing through her head at the moment are not the most pleasant ones she had ever felt.

The throb in her head intensified, her mind swirled into a rage that she had never before. It felt like a thousand of elephants were tap-dancing in her head as the pounding in her head started increased at a mile’s pace. Lifting her hand to clutch her head, she fell to the ground, wishing that the physical and emotional pain would evaporate.

As hurt as she was, she knew that she could not let show signs of weakness. Tears stung her eyes, threatening to reveal her vulnerability. She swallowed back those tears with great difficulty, and those tears dissolved into an aching glare.

As she fell to the ground, the only words that echoed through her mind were...

“I am not stupid.”

Entry #50

2 May 2009
- I look into the mirror and who do I see? I see a girl who looks exactly like me. She isn't extremely succesful in life. I see a girl who wants to live a life of confidence and authority. I see a girl who tries as hard as she can to see her name printed out in the 'High Achievers' column. I see a girl who doesn't have a terribly exciting life. I see a girl who wants to live a life fuller than she has now; she dreams to be legendary, a person that would bring a dramatic change to the world.

I stare into the mirror once again, and all that I see is just a very ordinary Priscilla Yap.

3 May 2009
- "Dont compare yourself to your peers. You are different. Comparing yourself isn't going to take you anywhere. You are going to be a great person of God just by being yourself."

I wasn't a loser, (well I dont think I am?) but I wasn't the greatest person around either. I just wanted to make my Lord and my parents proud. Not so much of getting their approval, but just making them proud of me. I can wish I was as successful as my peers, having my level of thoughts and maturity beyond my years.

God had made me such. He made me Priscilla Yap, and nobody else; He created Priscilla Yap for a reason. All I need to do is to avail myself, live by His standards. Not wanting to act like the crowd although I am part of the crowd. Living a life according to His will, and letting His light shine through me when the lights in the people die down.

I just need to have a little faith.

Psalms 34: 15 - The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are attentive to their cry.

Student + Dying = Studying

*giggle giggle!!!!* PRIS 'HEARTS' PETER PETRELLI.

Shut up and put your money where your mouth is

That's what you get for waking up in Vegas

=)

Alright, it's 9.35PM. Study, Pris.. STUDY!

STOP LOOKING FOR STUPID PICTURES!....

=D

Church feels like home.

Church people feel like family.

:)

I've never really realised that till now.

:D

Thanks, God.

It's about time things are starting to look constant on my side. I've been hunting around for constant relationships long enough.

School's the best. Church is even better.

What more can I ever ask for?

Okay, maybe one thing.. Please take away my stupid cough so that I can attend the Planet Shakers conference????????

:D :D :D :D :D

Conflict (1)

This is what I've been working on for the past few days.. It's for English, well, this is part of it. I'm not exactly done yet.. Haven't edited or whatever.. It's only the diary entries, I'll post up the recollection, the part before the diary entries some other time.

Here it goes.

'Conflict can reveal unexpected qualities in an individual'

Entry #99
It had been so many days since I arrived here, it seems impossible to remember the exact number of days that I had been serving here. Well, I would not regard this as ‘serving’; rather, we seem to be ‘serving’ as prisoners of war of this dreadful place. Many of us here seem to have the mentality that there is nothing more to hope for anymore. I guess we are at the point where nothing seems to be worth it anymore. I see people start to lose the mental grasp of sanity and humanity. We, ordinary men working tirelessly on the line, had once hoped for freedom. That is all what we ever wanted. One word sums it all: freedom.

Entry#100
Today is just another day; another day of enduring endless brutality, another day of watching a fellow man being violently beaten, another day of watching another being at the very edge of life, pushed to the very darkness of death itself.

I have to say that I am not a very smart man; I could only always wish that I was a profound scholar. I am not a brilliant person but I am, in fact, all of us are able to see what is going on here. It does not take a skilful genius to realise that numerous conflicts that occur in this horrific surrounding. Here, conflicts seem to be inevitable. I really do not see the need to elaborate the nasty environmental conflict that each man would have to face every day here. This tropical and humid environment is slowly killing us all. Rain made the main track viciously slippery, which makes it a treacherous hazard to all the men working. If a man would slip and fall, imagine the level of danger he would cause to the rest? Things could possibly turn for the worse if her were carrying an axe or a pick or saw; that dangerous object might just cut one’s head off!

The enormous pressure that we men face every single day is more than a man could possibly endure. But what makes the pressure more unbearable is the fact that we would have to carry on the daily three mile walk under the scorching sun without boots or any form of footwear to protect our feet. The food was meagre, poor quality rice and vegetables and the barest possible amount of meat, and the guard were gruff and thuggish.

Sometimes, I do not understand how any of us could stand the intensity of the whole experience. I mean, we are all still alive, some of us not very much alive, while others barely surviving. Due to this atrocious conflict, I come to see some of my fellow men as zombies. They do not seem to think or act anymore. They are easily depicted as lifeless men, living purposeless lives. Their actions are not only robotic; they are unresponsive, unmoving and motionless. It brings tears to my eyes as I watch friends of mine living for nothing.

It kills me just watching my fellow men just simply going through the motions, with the mentality, “day in, day out”. The more I see men forcefully giving up their lives for a useless railway, the more confused I seem to be. This brings me to a realisation, this conflict and experience had changed me to an entirely new person. I have become a person that I never knew I could be. I never knew that I am actually capable of enduring such texting conflict and environment. I would suppose that this is a slight glimmer of hope that I could hold on in the midst of the total darkness of my situation.

Entry #101
Things had not turn for the better as we all hoped... Our fellow men seem to be treated more dreadfully treated. Many of us are now ill; nine of us seem to be standing upright without fainting or doubling over in pain.

Personally, I am utterly sick of the enormity of conflict in this situation. It would be an understatement if I said that I am tired of this whole environment; I am absolutely sick of watching men falling on their faces, getting bashed and clubbed for reasons that are entirely unacceptable. Do the officers here have to feelings at all? Why are they just so inhumane? Did they appoint themselves to be God and easily decide when to end one’s life? We are all part of the human race, why reign this line viciously? How could a person just strike another without mercy, on the grounds of working too slowly? We are not animals; we are human beings, just like you! You barbaric, monstrous, animalistic people! Wait, you are not people, you are beastly brutes!

Entry #102
The conflict that we endure daily had caused us to rethink the notion of reason and humanity. We cannot seem to have any respect for any of the authorities here.

In reality, well, long before any of us laboured on the line, we were once men of great virtue; we were men who would honour and respect authorities, or as a matter of fact, any individual. But things took for a 360-degree change since we stepped foot into this hellish camp. Each brutal slave driver had their own names now; Billy the Pig and Molly the Monk, they were the two who became feared and hatred above the rest.

A close friend of mine, Paul, was one of the many who were beaten to death for intolerable motives; apparently he was working too slowly for the brutal slave driver’s pace. After the cruel death of Paul, fellow comrades like Mickie Hallam were subjected to prolonged and viscous bashing. Mick was carried to hospital and died the next day. The death of Mick had impacted us all. Mick was not only a fellow comrade; Mick was a personal friend, a man that we all came to love. What was there not to like about Mick? He had been generous and staunch, a friend to the weak or strong, and his death casted an even darker shadow over all.

His death had intensified out hatred of the enemy, Jap and Korean alike. Like I’ve mentioned before, the intensity of the conflict had caused us all to hate. As men with virtue before the experience on the line, we were men that could never resort to hate. I would regard hate as too strong a word, and would never use it under any circumstances. But now, things had changed for the shoddier, and I would proclaim with full capacity of mind, body and soul that it is the feeling of hatred that overrules me being. Rage overwhelmed my entire essence of human spirit, and there is no denying that I hate the brutal slave drivers. I hate them with a passion.

I'm sleepy.. *yawns*

Okay, it's the beginning of my lovely holidays. :)

I told myself, study, Pris, study.. but sad to say, I've only done slightly more than 2 hours of studying. What a disappointment. I thought I had more discipline than that.. :S Hahah

I was cleaning up my room a little and I stumbled across all those letters that I received from the lovely YC-ians before I left last year. I went through them one by one and started laughing. Some memories can never be forgotten. Tiger, that word means an entirely new meaning now. It isn't some massive striped cat, it's something else. *wink* Honk and duck. Man, those words make me laugh. Some things just stick with you for life :D

I've been thinking.. I wish I could do this, I wish I could do that.. I wish I was smarter. I wish I could play the keys better. I wish I was thinner, Ming and Bernard pointed out that I have a puffed up face (Gee, they're the nicest people around?). I wish I was more sporty. I wish I could write 'grandly' with all those huge words. I wish...

I could go on and on and on. But I realised, if I wish I was this and that.. I would be a duplicate of somebody else. :S I can think over and over again that I'm nobody special, a person who's always envying somebody else.

Isn't it time for me to stand up and be proud for who I am? I am different, I am unique. I'm God's child, that's what I am :)

This is how we overcome..

The week's been pretty good I guess..

Except for the fact that I'm almost a cripple at the moment. Not really, but lol. I have this major backache, and I can't move without feeling the pain shooting up my spine. So I'm lying on the bed, with the laptop, typing this out.. I dont know what happened. I just felt this massive pain in my lower back after lunch, and yes, it got worse.. :(

Remember how I said that I was doubting before this?.. The more I talk to my parents and friend, the more I realise that God is the only one that can qualify the call in our lives. He's the Author of our lives; I may start to doubt, wondering whether I'm fit to do His work. But in the end, I'm actually doubting the Author Himself. I'm His creation, if I doubt His creation, I doubt Him as well.. And that's not what I want to do.

I read last night that we, as human beings are always expecting for a big bang miracle, a marvellous change.. But what we really need is just taking one step at a time.. It's a process..

Only God qualifies the call, only God and no one else. It's time for me to become more than a conqueror in Christ.

You have turned, my mourning into dancing
You have turned my sorrow into joy.

This is how I overcome.

:)

S-L-E-E-P is good enough for me

You know those moments where you just feel like you're at the top of the world, and the next day you wonder why you slipped down the mountain and you're nowhere near the top?

I dont know, I just feel like that at the moment. I guess I really need sleep. I just want this year to be over already, I dont think I can handle doing Year 12. It's killing me physically. I'm staying up for hours, getting less than 6 hours of sleep a day. It's really starting to get into my bones.

I'm also in the spur of the moment where you dont think you're good enough for everything. All these random thoughts are just popping in my head. "You're not good enough" sort of thoughts.

Back to the phase where everything feels awkward again. Just when I'm starting to feel at ease and having so much fun with my school friends, I dont have time to spend time with my other friends. To have a strong relationship, you need time and effort. I wish that there's more than 24 hours in the world, then I can achieve so much more instead of focusing so much on a certain thing and not having time for the rest.

In other words, I need S-L-E-E-P

I should be feeling a whole lot better after some sleep, but not right now. I need to get my homework and studying done. I am going to kill myself emotionally with lousy thoughts if I dont do anything about it. Argh..

There is power in His name!

Some things just really tick me off..

I hate it when I see really intelligent people who just couldn't be bothered to study. I'm not very smart, but I spend at least 4 hours preparing for my tests and assignments. I get a pretty decent/good mark, but I wish I was brillliant so that I wouldn't have to try so hard. I just don't think it's fair, some people who barely study get pretty decent marks while I'm studying really hard just to get the best score I can. Why do I have to be the person who puts in so much effort, and I don't get exceptionally good marks?.. I get A's, and stuff, but not to the level that I want to be at.

Similarly, some people are blessed with gifts, but they just refuse to use it for God, saying that "They're not ready". What crap.. I don't play an instrument very well, and I know that. But I just want to give God the glory He deserves. He gave me this teeny weeny bit of talent, so I want to give it back to Him.

(I wasn't directing this to anyone in particular.)

I was talking to a church friend of mine last night. She asked me what do I really want in life. I had to think for a fair bit of time before replying her text. "I want my music to touch lives. I want my music to draw people closer to God" I've mentioned before that music is a huge part of my life, but I never really stepped out. Thinking that this was just a supplementary, I pushed it aside.. but now, the more I talk to God about this, the more convinced I am that starting in church is only the start of something big. I feel awkward typing this out, but I think I need to start dreaming big. I used to dream big once before, but I let this whole move and insecurity stop me. It's time for me to pick up where I stopped, and I know that I am capable of influencing lives in His name.

There is power in His name.

And I believe that with everything I have - literally.

I've been hit by a wave of laughing gas - really

I MOVED LAST SATURDAY! :D

It's still sorta hard sleeping in my room.. I'm still not used to my new room, but I love it though! Until now, I'm just still so amazed at the number of people who volunteered to help us move. I had about 6 friends over, 2 of them stayed till 6.30PM! Christina's dad brought his HUGE van, and we saved a couple of hundreds cause there wasn't a need to hire movers to help us at all! God blessed us with so many helpful people :)

For the past few days, I think I've been a little high on something or injected with some sort of laughing gas. Honestly, I have no idea why I've been laughing sooo much. When someone mentions Ray or Yui, oh my gosh, I burst out laughing and Christina would go, "Oh no, there she goes again".

Ray and Yui are the only international students in our group. They dont speak very fluent English, but oh my gosh, they're hilarious! Ray's from Taiwan and Yui's half Japanese and half Switz. The both of them would make slight mistakes in their pronounciations, but it would mean a totally different thing. For example, Yui meant to say constipation but he pronounced it as constitution instead! "Sometimes, I have very bad constitution", he says it with a serious face. Once he told my friends, "Priscilla seems to be laughing at everything I say! What's so funny!!" When I start laughing, there's no telling when I'll stop.. HAHAHHAHAHA...

My friend, Alex started speaking slowly to me as though he was speaking to Ray and Yui. He has a really bad tendency of doing that, although he knows I understand him perfectly. Apparently, he tends to speak to Asians slowly, eventhough he knows I speak more English than any other language. Hahaha..

It was my first time playing the keys last Sunday :D

I'll update when I have the time to. Schoolwork's piling up.. :S