A Smile That Said It All

All that was running through her head was this; Will she ever get through this task of endurance that was dawned upon her? Will she ever get through this alive? Oh no, let me rephrase that again... Will she conquer the task that was she was appointed to accomplish? Will she actually come out being and feeling stronger than she was before? Or would she be defeated in the future and she is forced to look back at her previous victories? Is she forced to dwell in the past? Is she not meant to move forward and triumph over her insurmountable situation?

All these questions running through her head as she sits by the fireplace, trying to put her broken life pieces together again. She says to herself that she had ruined too much, brought too much damage to her and her family and everyone around her. She tips her head backwards, resting her head on the wall, heaving a sigh of weariness. She condemns herself for destroying her last hope to bits. Just recently, a glimmer of hope shone through her dark world. That glimmer of hope was the last thing that she could hold on to. Everything had deserted her. All her friends and family seemed far away, just too far away. Suddenly, the little microscopic twinkle of hope that seemed so insignificant at first pierced through her dark life. She was overjoyed. No, she was more than overjoyed. She was thrilled, delighted, ecstatic, and jubilant and any sort of word that would describe her new-found happiness. You can say that she was over the moon. That flicker of hope meant everything to her.

Being a desperate person searching for a way out, she was determined to reach that gleam that glisten through her dark light. She groped clumsily, pushed, crawled, and yes, even clawed with all her might just to reach for that forlorn hope that seemed to be calling her towards it. She ran as though her life depended on it. It seemed like she was a woman on dope. Her outer appearance grew equivalent to the condition of the beggars begging on the street. She has been roaming around for too long. She looked haggard beyond her youthful years, her hair messed up and uncombed, her once petite and exquisite features were long gone, her dainty fingers turned into ruddy and red hands among the hard years, and her clean clothes were beyond grubby with patches of mud, gravel, dirt and who knows what else.

Yes, she was in a disastrous state. She was aware that she was in ruins. No one gave her a second look. One look at her, and a person would look away in disgust. Only the polite ones would give her little polite, courteous smiles and tried not to stare at her in disdain.

Sometimes, she couldn’t comprehend why she was in this dreadful state. She couldn’t understand how she had gotten herself in this appalling manner. She was once a person of dignity. She was once well-respected, looked up to. Parents would compare her to their children and told them to pick after her. She was the exemplary person, the role model. How could have things changed so much? What a vast change in just a couple of years...

She just wanted to change for the better. Oh, how she tried to amend her life for the better. She tried everything. She tried to pick up the ways of the elites. She tried to live her life according to the lifestyle of the rich and famous. She tried to change herself so that she would be well-liked. Her motives were pure. They were nothing but innocent dreams. How could they destroy her instead?

That was something that she couldn’t figure out. She spent a million hours thinking and pondering what that had made her fall so badly.

After spending torturous days and sleepless nights just trying to figure what went wrong, she finally found it out. Pride. It was pride that made her fall. She had pure intentions but little did she know that the parasite was growing in her. That horrible scrounger had been growing in her all along. Every single moment that she achieved one of her dreams, Pride would tighten its grip on her. Its claws dug into her mindset. It hissed deceptive lies into her thoughts. It taught her gently to compromise with her virtues that were instilled in her. Its ways were so cunning and it spoke in such a tender way that no one would expect it to come from a feud of Destruction.

Once she had figured out the cause, what could she do about it? The more she thought about it, the more frustrated she became. She had no power to reverse events in her life nor did she have the authority to turn back to the time where she was highly regarded. What else could she do? She was stuck at a dead end – again. As you would know, solutions would not appear magically by itself. There is no such thing as waving your magic wand and poof; it would supernaturally come into your view. You could take a long time to figure out solutions or a miracle would happen straight away. In her case, a miracle did not happen to her. In fact, things got from bad to worse. Not only that she was regarded as the lowlife in the society and her appearance being animalized, she realised that she was losing who she was. She was losing herself. Actually, she had lost herself in those years.

She had nothing left to hold on to. She lost her materialized life, her, friends, her family, virtually, everything that she had and the most vital one, who she really was. She felt that it was pointless for her to live. She sensed that her life was meaningless. Nothing meant anything anymore. She didn’t mean anything to anyone. She was excluded, isolated. She was on her own. Who would care for her anymore as she had wrecked her life to scraps? More negative thoughts entered her mind, jeering at her scornfully.

She made up her mind. She was going to end her life.

A chair near her window, and a rope in the cupboard, they seemed to be her only friends now. What convenience, she thought. Putting her pristine friends into place, she climbed on the chair. She took a deep breath, derisions that she had faced passed through her vision now. She knew that this was the only option; ending her miserable life.

With her head in the gap that she made from the rope with it dangling down the ceiling, she was ready. She was ready to execute her plan; executing herself. Just before she kicked her chair away, she noticed a glimpse of the necklace that was hung down one of her jewellery hooks.

It was a shape of a cross.

She knew what it meant. She understood the meaning of the cross fully. She was familiar of its significance. Suddenly, her mind wandered again. Memories of her as a child learning the meaning of the cross flooded through her minds. The cross. The cross. The cross. That was all that was in her mind at that moment. It was a substantial image that couldn’t be erased from her mind. A gentle whisper seemed to nudge her to acknowledge the cross.

She shook her head, trying to wipe out that nagging thought from her mind. There was major battle riving within her. This life is nothing but a miserable, horrendous one. Why should I acknowledge the meaning of the cross now? There is no hope for me Everything is gone. There is nothing left for me. Nothing left besides death itself. Mercy and love does not exist anymore!

Or does it?

She stopped breathing for a second. Her pulse increasing, her heartbeat racing as the seconds ticked by. She knew it. She knew the answer to her question. She always knew the answer. She had always known it, ever since a young age. She had just put aside. She had forgotten God’s great love and mercy. She had forgotten that He had sacrificed everything He had for her. She did not want to acknowledge that He had paid the price and He bore all life snags for her on the cross.

A tear slipped down and she slowly removed the rope from her neck. She had finally recognised His unfailing love for her. She finally accepted His invitation, His love. A love that would never pass away. The one that only He could give.

The love of God.

She stepped down from the chair, knowing that she could face another day because hope still existed. God loves her. Someone loves her! Tears streamed down her face as she gave her ‘friends’ a last look.

That was it.

Something’s different now.A smile took over the frowns of depression. Though everything was still the same, inside there’s something real. A faith that grew rapidly within her; a faith that caused her to change. A spark that glimmered in her eyes, like diamond stars that fills the skies. Hope finally shone in her eyes as that radiant light of God shone triumphantly through her once bleak life.

That smile said it all.

p.s: Yes, I noticed that all those flaws now! :( I didn't have the time to edit it. It's so jumbled up and need improvements. Any suggestions, anybody? :)